by Paul Cudenec
Roll up, roll up, dear units of human capital, and shuffle submissively into the sublimely sustainable future of Monty Satan’s Lying Circus!
Keep your distance from each other, folks! No chatting! Remember, eye contact can spread misinformation! Keep your muzzles tightly fastened and your brains in stand-by mode!
We’ve been planning this show for a very long time indeed and we’re hellbent on making it a sizzling red-hot hit on a truly biblical scale!
No expense has been spared in our preparations, thanks to the literally unlimited financial resources available to The Satanic Foundation (“Devil-may-care philanthropy for the modern age“) and our very close friends at the Bank for Global Enslavement.
We wanted to be quite sure that you would fall in love with our spectacle before you’d even seen it (that’s the only way, believe me!) and that you would come flocking in your innocent millions through our jaws… sorry, doors!
Look at all the faces on the posters we have put up outside! Everyone you love and admire, everyone you have even seen on our TV networks and in our newspapers, has endorsed the Big Event of the 2020s!
Celebrities! Politicians! Writers! Religious leaders! Royals! Radicals! We’ve made quite sure that they’re all on board.
And what about the outside of our Big McTop! How could you not be instantly won over and persuaded to step inside without even asking any basic questions?
We’ve repainted the whole thing green so that you know for sure that we are the good guys! We’ve put rainbow flags everywhere! Endless photos of smiling young people of all ethnicities! Seductive trans women! There are even plastic models of delicious 3D-printed food which, I assure you, are almost impossible to tell apart from the real thing!
And there, up on the Giant Smile-Screen, is Mr Satan himself, in his best suit but not wearing a stuffy old tie, shedding warm tears of genuine caring compassion for every single poor, under-developed, disabled, disadvantaged or discriminated-against person in the whole wide world!
Sorry Sir? A sick bag? Just head straight towards the Global Niceness Re-Education Zone over there… That’s it, yes, where there’s all the razor wire decorated in pink bunting.
Oh, you’re really going to love the Circus! We’ve got such a bunch of devilishly fabulous acts lined up for you!
Watch with bated breath as Biohazard Bill waltzes gracefully across the High Wire of Plausibility while, amazingly, juggling poison-laden syringes, massive wads of banknotes and inflatable Jeffrey Epsteins!
Marvel as contortionist Fat Klaus makes us wonder what it means to be human by inserting his bald head into his own back passage in the unique manoeuvre he calls the Great Rectal Reset!
Kids will love Rudolph the Red-Toothed Robot, a marvel of the Fourth Industrial Revolution who is 100% climate-friendly because he powers himself by eating human flesh!
Check your privilege, as performance activist Faye Cleft brings systemic change to the traditional art of escapology by creating the postradical illusion that she is trying to break free from her chains while all the time ensuring that she remains safely bound!
Gasp in awe as His Imperial Highness King Konservation, Grand Ringmaster of the World Wildlife Fraud, wins your hearts by herding holograms of elephants, lions and antelope around the arena before triumphantly heading off to Africa, whip in hand, to tame the savages and throw them off the land in the name of protecting nature!
And everyone gets to join in the fun with our Inclusivity Game! Laugh and laugh as Freddy Five-Gee, Dotty Data and the Impact Clowns wrap you all up in their massive Zing-Along-a-Zinta-Net and turn your shitty little lives into yet another pot of gold for their business associates!
No, no, don’t worry about that, Madam. It’s purely for your own safety that we are confiscating those gorgeous little bundles of pecuniary potential.
Your children? Your children? Really, madam! That kind of hate-speech is neither appropriate nor acceptable. From now on, there’s only one owner around here and that’s Mr Satan himself!